Red Dawn (1984)

Starring: Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, C. Thomas Howell, Lea Thompson, Ben Johnson, Harry Dean Stanton, Ron O'Neal, William Smith, Powers Boothe

Director: John Milius

Genre: Action, Adventure, Drama, War

Rating: C

This is not a good movie.  I'm just going to stick that out there: Red Dawn is not good.  At best it's a very conservative, rather violent movie about a situation that is really hard to buy into.  When the premise of your movie is that the United States is caught unaware by a Soviet invasion and the only people who fight back (at least for a good chunk of it) are a group of teenagers in Colorado, I kind of have a hard time buying into it.

So, yeah.  At some point in the 1980s the USA becomes increasingly isolated when several European nations, all of them except for the UK, withdraw from NATO, at a time when the Warsaw Pact is being aggressively expanded.  In addition to this, there's a wheat harvest failure in the Ukraine and a communist coup in Mexico.  In order to cope, the Soviets and Cubans invade the United States.  Specifically, they invade the small town of Calumet, Colorado and quickly completely take over the town - and many other parts of the USA.  Enter our heroes, a small group of teenagers lead by Jed and Matt Eckert (Swayze and Sheen), who manage to escape the occupation and begin to form a resistance.

Okay, so 1. I do not buy that a group of teenagers who have no military experience and really are just kids who grew up hunting would be able to effectively fight the KGB.  2. I do not buy that the Soviets would be able to invade Colorado without being noticed well before getting to Colorado.  3. NATO consists of more than just the USA and European countries.  4. By the time of the movie, the Cold War was kind of dying down and it was beginning to be pretty clear that the Soviets? Weren't going to win it.

Actually, let's go back to number 2 here.  There are a few ways that the Soviets/Communists could have invaded the USA based on the premise of this movie.  They could have come up through Mexico, in which case they would have hit California, Arizona, Texas, etc, first.  They could have come via the Pacific, in which case they would have hit Alaska, Canada, and Washington state first.  They could have come up through Cuba, in which they would have probably hit Florida first. Finally, they could have flown over the Arctic Sea, in which case thy would have hit Canada first.  There is no way that they randomly hit fucking Colorado first - which thus brings to question just how the hell this was a surprise attack.  Dear movie makers: please consider geography.

This overall problem comes into play with issue number 3 here.  Canada is a part of NATO. Canada has always been a part of NATO.  In the premise of this movie, Canada is still a part of NATO.  In all likelyhood, Canada also had to be invaded in order to get to the USA here.  Thus, two nations would have been invaded.  Furthermore, the whole "the UK is still a part of NATO" thing comes into play.  Even without NATO, Canada has a very delicate relationship with the UK and it's a bit hard to buy that the UK does nothing to come to the aid of two allies, both which they're entered into military alliances with and one which is a part of the Commonwealth.  Just saying.

Then there's the whole issue of 1.  I'm not even sure I want to go there.  Yes, Americans are known for their gun loving ways - yes, it's somewhat of a stereotype.  Yes, Guerrilla warfare can completely screw over traditional armies, and in a lot of ways that's what the Communists are here.  No, a handful of teenagers are not going to successfully fight the KGB for long, nor are they going to be the only resistance.  That's just ridiculous, sorry.

Recommendations: November 30

To be honest, there really isn't anything coming out this week that I'm all that interested in seeing, and thus recommending to you.  There's a lot already out, however, so if you haven't seen them yet, check out any one of this week's box office top ten: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2, Skyfall, Lincoln, Rise of the Guardians, Life of Pi, Wreck-It Ralph, Red Dawn, Flight, Silver Linings Playbook, or Argo.  Some of these I've already checked out, others I haven't seen yet, but I believe I have recommended them all.

Men in Black 3 - The latest installment in this alien movie franchise, MIB3 deals with time travel and really surprised me.  It's a lot better than I was expecting it to be, and if you haven't checked it out yet and want something easy to watch I'd say check it out now.

ParaNorman - I didn't recommend this the first time round, because the commercials annoyed me and I decided that I didn't want to see it.  Still a bit on the fence about it, but I've been told that it's really good.

Sparkle - There was one good thing about this movie, the music.  That was always the best part about a Whitney Houston movie, so I guess it's fitting that her last film should be no exception.  I just kind of wish that the rest of it had been better.

Lawless - This one actually made Sparkle look good, so there's that.  There's a few good action sequences too.  Check it out if you want a mindless action flick, although it's not too actiony.  I think the big problem here was an over use of Shia LaBeouf and an under use of Gary Oldman.  Never under use Gary Oldman.

Step Up Revolution - This movie was awesome! I loved it! Okay, so the plot is lame and ridiculous, but the dancing is great and why else would you go to a Step Up movie?

The Colour of Magic - This past week author Terry Pratchett won an Emmy for his documentary program "Choosing to Die," so I figured I'd celebrate by recommending Prachett's first Discworld novel, The Colour of Magic.  This novel introduces us to the Discworld and the characters of Rincewind, Twoflower, and The Luggage - Luggage being my favourite of the Discworld characters.

Recommendations: November 23

Red Dawn - An updated version of the 1984 film, this one is about the invasion of America by the North Koreans.  More importantly, it stars Chris Hemsworth and Josh Hutcherson, which are two good reasons to go see it.

Rise of the Guardians - This year's cute Christmas movie for kids, I've been waiting anxiously to see it since I saw the first trailer for it months ago.  Rise of the Guardians is about what happens when an evil spirit launches an assault on Earth's children, the Immortal Guardians band together in response.  My favourite part of the trailers is the fact that Santa Claus (Alec Baldwin), here called North, really resembles a Russian crime boss.

Life of Pi - Ang Lee's latest, this is based on the book of the same name and follows a young man and a Bengal tiger on one of those life changing journeys - presumably different to many life changing journeys that feature tigers in that the young man does not become food for the tiger.  I'm not sure, I haven't read the book, but IMDb is referring to the tiger as "an unexpected connection" which implies a lack of eating.  Based on the four Ang Lee movies I've seen, I'd say this could either be great or really bad.

Hitchcock - This one's getting a limited release for now, in order to be out in time to be considered for the Oscars - I can't find any word on when, or if, it will be given a further release.  This is based on the life of Alfred Hitchcock (Anthony Hopkins) and his wife Alma Reville (Helen Mirren) around the time that he was filming psycho.  I love the fact that the man who played one of the creepiest villains ever, Dr. Hannibal Lector, is now playing one of the most influential horror film directors ever.

The Expendables 2 - Did everyone see this in theatres?  It really wasn't all that good.  Now, you have the chance to spend more money on it and buy it on DVD - or spend no money on it and download it (which I don't condone at all).

That is, in all honesty, the only new DVD release this week and none of the other releases are all that interesting to me.  So, in celebration of Hitchcock, I'm going to say go watch Psycho (the original, not the 1998 Gus Van Sant remake) or whatever Hitchcock film is your favourite.

The Apple Tree - My favourite Hitchcock is The Birds, which is based on a novellette by Daphne du Maurier.  Both "The Birds" and other stories can be found in du Maurier's collection The Apple Tree.  Check it out if you haven't already.  Just a note, this collection can also be found as The Birds and Other Stories.

Recommendations: October 12

Argo - I love Ben Affleck movies, both the ones where he just acts in and are bad but also good, and the ones that he directs which tend to be absolutely awesome.  This is his latest film in the latter category, based on the weird but true story of the Canadian Caper.  With a stellar cast this promises to be good.

Here Comes the Boom - I wasn't convinced by this one at first, I've never been a huge fan of Kevin James.  Then I saw the trailer for it.  I doubt it's going to be amazingly good, but I still think it's going to be fun and enjoyable - one of those movies that you know is bad but you like anyways.  Plus Henry Winkler's in it!

Seven Psychopaths - This is about a group of oddballs who get involved in all kinds of bad things when their easy money scheme goes wrong and they kidnap the beloved Shih Tzu of a gangster.  I've seen the trailer for this a couple times now and it's had me laughing each time, so I can't wait to see this.

3, 2, 1... Frankie Go Boom - This one's getting a limited release, so I doubt I'll see it in theatres, but it's caught my attention just because of the two male leads.  One is Chris O'Dowd, who we last saw in Bridesmaids, and the other is Charlie Hunnam, who I'm always amazed by in Sons of Anarchy.  This one's about a guy, Frankie (Hunnam), who's been humiliated many a time by his brother, Bruce (O'Dowd), but thinks that now that he's off drugs things are going to change - except they don't.  I'm assuming that this movie is going to be about him trying to rectify that.

Prometheus - The latest from Ridley Scott this movie got less than stellar reviews and kind of tanked... but I'm still interested in seeing it.  It's got a great cast, and really this is the guy who did Alien.  It might not be the greatest, but I still want to see it.

Rock of Ages - The latest musical to come out, this one borrows music from 80s hair bands and rocks out.  I really enjoyed Rock of Ages, it was fun and you got to sing along.

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial - It's the 30th anniversary of this classic Spielberg film about the love between a boy and an alien, without getting all creepy. Whenever I watched this film as a kid it always creeped me out, but as an adult I've really grown to love it.

Little Shop of Horrors - While on the musicals kick, Little Shop of Horrors is currently releasing the director's cut.  This is great for two reasons: one this is a musical about a giant man-eating plant so you can't really go wrong, and two the director is the legendary Frank Oz.

Red Dawn - The classic Cold War-era film about the invasion of the Soviets is being released on Blu-ray, just in time for the release of the remake, which is about the invasion of the North Koreans (proving that we're always afraid of someone invading).  This one is kind of a classic, starring, among others, young versions of Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen.  I kind of wonder if in 26 years someone will be saying the same about the stars of the 2012 Red Dawn.

Thinner - Speaking of things released in 1984, this week's book pick is Stephen King's Thinner.  Thinner is about a man who's been cursed following his successful defeat of a vehicular manslaughter charge.  The man, Billy Halleck, killed a Gypsy woman and her father curses him and, consequently, all those who had a role in him getting off.