The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)

Starring: Roger Moore, Bernard Lee, Christopher Lee, Britt Ekland, Maud Adams, Hervé Villechaize, James Cossins, Clifton James

Director: Guy Hamilton

Genre: Action, Adventure, Thriller

Rating: B-

Holy fuck these movies are racist.  That was what went through my mind pretty much the entirety of this movie.  The series, so far, is rife with stereotypes and negative depictions of anyone who isn’t a white British subject.  These movies are really racist – like ridiculously so – and just seem to get worse as they go on.  Likewise with the misogamy.  I wouldn’t say James Bond, the character, is himself a mysoganist, but the movies definitely paint women in a certain way.

The Man with the Golden Gun takes Bond (Moore) back to Asia, this time Thailand where he’s searching for assassin Francisco Scaramanga (Lee), known as the man with the golden gun because he has a golden gun that he uses to shoot people with gold bullets.  One such bullet was sent to MI6 with Bond’s code etched into it, leading them to believe that Bond is his next target.  Along the way, Bond acquires an assistant in the form of Miss Goodnight (Ekland), who he is rather determined to sleep with, flirts heavily with Scaramanga’s mistress Andrea Anders (Adams), and comes up against Sacramanga’s dwarf manservant Nick Nack (Villechaize).

Midway through the movie I sent a friend a text saying “I just saw James Bond give a sumo wrestler a wedgie before being knocked out by an ugly midget.”  I’m not sure what else I can say to critique this film than the massive “what the fuck” that I thought when I saw that scene and that I’m expecting you thought when you read that sentence.  I think if I really put a lot into a review of this movie it would involve taking this movie as serious, and I can’t take something serious that involves a scene like that.

I kind of came to that conclusion about mid-way through this movie; if I don’t take them seriously and just go with the flow, no matter how ridiculous it gets, they’re more enjoyable. I don’t think these are actually good movies, but they can be fun.  That having been said, I'm still kind of annoyed with Miss Goodnight for sleeping with Bond.

Live and Let Die (1973)

Starring: Roger Moore, Bernard Lee, Yaphet Kotto, Jane Seymour, David Hedison
Director: Guy Hamilton
Genre: Action, Adventure, Thriller
Rating: C+

This might be my least favourite of the Bond movies so far.  It’s racist, it’s rediciulous, it’s bad.  It’s Roger Moore’s first run at being James Bond and, while I didn’t hate his performance, per say, I didn’t really warm up to him.  One movie in and I’m definitely preferring Sean Connery, if only because Connery was in better Bond movies.

Live And Let Die sends Bond (Moore) to New York where he’s investigating the murder of an MI6 agent.  There he runs into gangster Mr. Big (Kotto) who is involved in the heroin trade and meets Mr. Big’s psychic and tarot expert Solitaire (Seymour), who’s powers depend on her being a virgin.  Points if you’ve already guessed whether or not Solitaire is 1) still psychic at the end of the movie and 2) still a virgin.

The big problem with Live and Let Die – beyond the racism – is that it didn’t have the feel of a Bond film, much like the George Lazenby film.  It seems like being Bond is something that the actors have to grow into, a task that may take more than just one film to do so.  Producers, on the other hand, don’t seem to really be interested in making this growth easy for the actors either.  Had this been another Connery Bond it might have felt more Bond-ish simply because the character and actor are already established.  As it is, however, Live and Let Die is something different from its predecessors, a fact that becomes more prominent given the new actor playing Bond.  If they’d started with something more Bond-ish then followed up with Live and Let Die it might have come across as better… or it might not have, because Bond-ish or not, it’s still a horribly racist movie that isn’t really good.

Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

Starring: Sean Connery, Bernard Lee, Jill St. John, Charles Gray, Lana Wood, Jimmy Dean, Bruce Glover, Bruce Cabot, Putter Smith

Director: Guy Hamilton
Genre: Action, Adventure, Thriller
Rating: C

Okay, so this movie literally features a scene when Bond is being attacked – in a violent sense of the word – by two underwear clad women named Bambi (Lola Larson) and Thumper (Trina Parks). In a couple of the reviews so far I’ve said that while the plot devices were cheesy at least they didn’t reach the level seen in Austin Powers. I now have to take that back – this officially hits a point lamer than in Austin Powers. I was definitely disappointed.

Diamonds Are Forever is - surprise, surprise - about diamonds.  After seemingly killing Blofeld and a Blofeld (Gray) look-alike, Bond (Connery) is given the task of uncovering a diamond smuggling ring.  Here he poses as smuggler Peter Franks (Joe Robinson), while killing the real Franks, whose body is then passed off as Bond - Bond faking his own death seems to be a common theme in these movies.  While investigating the whole thing, Bond also sleeps with women, notably diamond smuggler Tiffany Case (St. John).

This movie is ridiculously campy.  While many of the other movies (so far) have had huge elements of camp Diamonds Are Forever takes this to a whole new level - from villains Bambi and Thumper to the dull Bond girl, the portrayal of Blofeld, and the overall plot.  Bond movies are supposed to be sophisticated, classy, and dangerous... this one's just kind of lame.  It's really a rather sad note for Connery to have gone out on, although he will be back for the non-Eon Bond film Never Say Never Again.

Goldfinger (1964)

Starring: Sean Connery, Gert Fröbe, Honor Blackman, Harold Sakata, Bernard Lee

Director: Guy Hamilton

Genre: Action, Adventure, Thriller

Rating: B-

I wasn't really a big fan of this movie.  In fact, I kind of didn't enjoy this instalment of the series.  Sure there were some amazing moments, but a lot of the movie was gimmicky and cheesy.  I mean, really, there was a long heated game of golf.  Serious movies that feature golf are not good.  It's like a rule, or something.

Goldfinger follows Bond (Connery) as he follows bullion dealer Auric Goldfinger (Fröbe) in an attempt to determine how Goldfinger is smuggling gold internationally.  This involves playing golf and cards - played in a manner that really make Bond look like a jackass - screwing women, and the like.  Eventually Bond determines that Goldfinger is planning on robbing Fort Knox and must stop him.  Along the way Bond screws some women and people are killed with a hat.  Yes, a hat.

Okay, so the awesome moments of this movie include when Shirley Eaton is killed by having her body covered in gold - this isn't a huge spoiler because it's basically the poster image for this movie.  The gold chick you see in everything Goldfinger related?  Yeah, that's Shirley Eaton.  There's also the gadgets, which for the most part are pretty cool, and Goldfinger tells Bond that he wants him to die, while pointing a laser at his crotch.  That moment is, in my opinion, probably the single most iconic moment of a James Bond film.  Sure there's "Bond, James Bond" and "Shaken, not stirred" but they're more catch phrases that you hear in most, if not all, of the films.  "I expect you to die" is just so iconic of this film, this series, this genre... it sent chills up my spine when it happened.

Despite that, however, the film was actually rather boring.  It was slow, and despite only running for 2 hours seemed to last forever.  I found that I really just didn't care about this movie.  I spent most of it hoping that it would be over soon and disappointed to see that it wasn't.  Maybe a combination of the heat and school related stress are getting to me, because any reviews that I've read of Goldfinger say that it's a great movie, I just found it uninteresting.  It wasn't a bad movie it just... didn't captivate me.