Ted (2012)

Starring: Mark Whalberg, Mila Kunis, Seth MacFarlane, Joel McHale, Giovanni Ribisi
Director: Seth MacFarlane
Genre: Comedy, Fantasy
Rating: B+

This movie really surprised me.  Watching the trailers I figured that it would have a few funny bits – most of which were probably in the trailer – and a lot of jokes that just fell flat.  I also really wasn’t convinced by the relationship between Wahlberg and Kunis.  The age difference between the two of them is such that… well, Mark Wahlberg was Marky Mark when Kunis was in kindergarten.  I don’t instantly object to a large age difference in love interests, but I do start to role my eyes when an actor who looks like he’s in his mid 40s is playing a character in his mid 30s dating a woman in her mid 20s.  That having been established, however, I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed Ted, despite its failures (of which there were many).  It might not be the best movie out this year, or even the best comedy, but it’s actually pretty good.  It might even be the best thing to come out of Seth MacFarlane’s mind.

Ted follows John Bennett (Wahlberg), a 35-year-old, Bostonian man child, and his childhood teddy bear, Ted (MacFarlane).  When John first received Ted, Christmas Day 1985, he wished that the bear could come to life; the wish came true, and Ted became like Pinocchio, minus the conscience and morals.  Twenty-seven years later, Ted has grown up to be a pot-smoking, prostitute using Teddy bear.  His lifestyle has a negative influence on John, whose girlfriend Lori (Kunis) strongly disapproves of the whole thing.  She makes John give up Ted, so he moves out to a rundown apartment attached to a Chinese restaurant and gets a job at a grocery store.  Meanwhile, a really creepy guy (Ribisi) offers to buy Ted for his son, and Lori’s boss (McHale) fails to understand that constantly hitting on your staff is sexual harassment.

There is nothing about the plot of this movie that is original.  Every bit of the of the plot is something that you’ve seen before, to the point that you can tell what’s going to happen in this movie before any of it happens.  It’s really just a bit pathetic.  The way that the film manages to survive is not through its ridiculously predictable plot but rather the fact that it’s surprisingly humourous.  Ted knows exactly where the line is and succeeds in dancing upon it, like a wedding party dancing the “Macarena.”  There’s an entire bit where John is listing off “White trash names” trying to figure out the name of the girl that Ted works with.  It’s literally just Wahlberg listing off as many names as he can, as quickly as he can, and yet it’s one of the funniest things ever.  There’s a bit about the Jews and a bit about Mexicans, and a few not-so-thinly veiled bits about Asians.  There is a lot of dark humour – and I mean a lot.  It’s what sustains the movie and makes it entertaining.

There are more problems with Ted than just the plot issues.  There’s the issue of Mark Wahlberg’s age.  While I understand that there are a lot of actors out there who can play younger or older than they really are, let’s be clear – Mark Wahlberg does not look like he’s 35.  Mark Wahlberg does not look like he should be dating someone as young as Mila Kunis.  While the younger girl dating a much older man seems to be a trend in male oriented comedies (in a way it’s almost as if they’re trying to appeal to an older demographic of horny men with a ‘if Adam Sandler could date this hot, young model, so could you!’ kind of statement), usually they don’t then try to pretend that the much older man is younger.  I’m fine with the young chick dates the old guy plot, but the young chick dates the old guy who’s not really old thing is a bit too much for me.  I also have a huge problem with Lori’s workplace relationship with her boss.  I don’t care about the whole “boss hits on staff” thing, that’s fine.  I am bothered by the way that Lori and her co-workers react to it.  They totally treat it like it’s just this pervy thing that they have to deal with, and not the workplace sexual harassment that it is.  The whole boss as a villain thing is ridiculously over played, and I’m sick of seeing movies where they just ignore it. Let’s just make this clear: if your boss is making inappropriate sexual advances towards you that you’re uncomfortable with, complain to HR and if they do nothing sue.  On a final note, and I realize that this is silly, if you remove a guy’s testicles early enough then you remove his sexual desires.  Never having had any testicles, or any other sexual organ for that matter, Ted logically shouldn’t have any sexual desire.  It’s a bit… discomforting to think about how a teddy bear with no penis has sex, a fact that Ted brings up often.  There was a point when I really couldn’t help but feel as though I was watching a movie about a bunch of horny plushophilia’s.